Saturday, November 5, 2011

A piece of me died with you, Dad...

Natalie Saturday, November 5, 2011
Hey Everyone,

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a month, and I haven't mentioned why, or what was the reason behind my hiatus. Although I really wanted to share with you all what I've been feeling, I've been putting off this post day after day. Mainly because talking about it tosses me into the reality of it, which I still can't believe it yet. Also, I've been unsure of how deep I should really go when talking about it. It's really hard for me not to go deep, because it's something that is so immersed in my soul.

READ MORE TO CONTINUE READING...



October 2nd, my Dad passed away. **I started writing the detailed story, but I think it's too detailed and maybe too personal to be posted. My hands are shaking as I type, so I'm just going to try making this part brief.** His death was something very unexpected. As far as we all knew, he was in good health and never suffered from any illnesses other than a common cold - even those were very rare because my Dad was a very tough man. Sunday morning/afternoon was a normal day at home. We carried out our normal duties, and my mother and me ran to the store for a little over an hour, and came back and found my Dad laying on the ground with no pulse. I called an ambulance as my brother tried to revive him, nothing happened. The paramedics came, and as hope filled in our hearts that he was going to be okay - they gave us all the worst words possible "I'm sorry.. but he's gone. There is nothing we can do." You can imagine how I felt. I fell to my knees along side my Dad in shock, disbelief, horror, confusion and completely heart-broken. How can this be??? He was fine a couple hours ago. He was laughing, smiling, cooking.. we were about to have a barbecue. My Dad didn't have a second chance and he was all alone when he had his last breath, which is the worse thing to swallow. I sat next to him, holding his hand for what seemed like hours until I was pulled away from him.


I'm not sure why, but my biggest fear in life was losing my parents. I was, and still am, scared of nothing but that. It was a fear that consumed me every day. It was always more-so my Dad than my Mom, because I saw my Dad getting older faster. It was something that became really hard on me, as I'm sure it is to anyone who sees their parents aging. For a normal person, you may think about it once in a while that your parents aren't going to be here some day, but for me, I thought about it several times a day - each day. Every time I looked at my Dad, my heart always weakened. My Dad and I had a very special bond, and although it wasn't always expressed verbally, we had a closeness deep in our hearts that no one could ever replace. My biggest nightmare was to ever lose my Dad before I spent the time I wanted to with him and learn about his life, his struggles, his deepest thoughts and emotions. I suppose no time is really "enough" time, but I wanted to hear about him from his own mouth, not from others.. because only my Dad knew himself best.


My biggest fear and nightmare came true on October 2nd. I never thought that God would take my Dad as soon as he did. My Dad died almost instantly from a massive heart attack, something that could of been prevented with routine check-ups.

It has been really hard on my family, as my Dad was the "rock" and the foundation of our family. He went above and beyond his whole life to provide for us and make sure we were always happy. I'm not saying this because it's my Dad, but I've never seen another Dad in my whole life do as much for their family as my Dad did - even on his last day of life.

My brother and me before the wake. It hurt him too much to be inside the house, and I tried to comfort him. We had a really deep conversation, and to me, these pictures are worth a million words. I see a lot of pain when I look at these photos.. like two children - lost souls in a big world without their Dad.

I've been able to get through my biggest fear by surrounding myself with the people that love me - staying very close to my Mom and brother, keeping myself busy, and having lots of faith. I know it may sound cliche, but when you want to comfort someone who lost a loved one, you'd usually say something like "they'll always be with you, they'll always be by your side." I wonder if those people really know the truth in that. I didn't know the truth in that until I lost my Dad. I know my Dad is still here. If he wasn't here, I wouldn't be able to be as strong as I am. But he is here comforting my family and me, and letting us know that he's okay and he loves us. I believe in signs from the spirits and I believe I've noticed several that were all from him. I ask him to visit me in my dreams, and sometimes he does...

My Dad and Me last October on vacation
I can easily curl up in a ball and lock myself in my room for weeks at a time, but for my family, myself and my Dad, I'm trying to be as strong as I can. I'm going to stay motivated and continue on with my life and doing the things I love - which of course, include blogging. I'm going to try stressing less and loving more.

From this whole experience, I've realized many things.
1) Life is short. You don't really understand how short it is until you lose someone you love.
2) You can't be prepared for death. You will never be prepared. The only thing you can do to prepare yourself is love the ones around you and don't "put-off" spending time with your loved ones for a rainy day. Love your loved ones every day.
3) Don't be selfish. Being selfish isn't good for your inner spirit. In order for your spirit to grow and to be happy from within, you can't be selfish.
4) Don't talk bad about others. If the people around you are talking negative about another person, be the one to change their thinking (to each their own?) or don't comment on the matter.
5) Don't hold grudges. What's the point?
6) Surround yourself with positive energy. Positive energy will motivate you. Negative energy will only bring you down.
7) Love everybody. Yep, everybody. This ties into #4 Don't talk bad about others. It's not right to judge another person for their beliefs, the way they were raised, their personality, the things they like, etc. Everyone is different and you have to be accepting of others. Once you accept others as they are, you'll feel such happiness from within. You are no better than anyone else. Having more money doesn't make you "better".
8) Always appreciate what others do for you. Don't expect anything from anyone ever and you won't be disappointed. When you're not expecting anything, that's when you're really thankful.
9) You were born as dust and you will leave as dust. You won't leave with your money or your expensive things. You can have expensive things, but you have to remain humble. Money isn't everything and vanity isn't everything.
10) Always be optimistic. Never give up, or lose hope. There are open doors for all of us in life.
11) Always attend a funeral/wake if you're able to. It means a lot to the family. I know it may not be an environment you like, because death is something that scares all of us, but I know how comforting it really is to have lots of people around you.
12) When someone you love dies, they are only gone physically. You can talk to them out loud any time you want, and they will listen to you.
13) You will have some days that are good and some that are bad. You can't be strong all of the time, and that is fine.
14) Be happy for what you have, and don't be bitter for what you don't have.
15) Don't be afraid of going to the doctor for a routine check-up.

There are so many things I can list, but those are just some of things that came into my head as I was typing.

I want to thank you all who left me beautiful messages on makeupalley, twitter and the mail. All of your prayers, wishes and kind words were are are so much appreciated. Thank you so, so much.

For those of you who lost a loved one, I feel for you deeply, and I hope you will keep your head up and remain positive through it all. Just know, when you're happy, your loved one is too.

Four roses from my Dad's funeral arrangement that stands for the four members of our family placed on the spot he died.  One is white, because he is an angel now. 

 
Luther Vandross - Dance with my Father 
This song is beautiful. If you have a minute, listen to it... 

167 comments :

  1. I am so sorry for your life . May his soul rest in peace.

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  2. This is the first time I'm posting on here, but after reading this post I had to.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what a difficult and trying time it has been.

    Stay strong and RIP to your father.

    Lots of love,

    Nazia xxx

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  3. my thoughts are with you natty xx

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  4. hi i'm from Brasil and i visit your blog everyday. i never posted here but this is really sad. I was missing your posts and wondering what happened, but never thought about something like that. I'm really sorry about your lost, i lost my father last year too, the pain is indescribable, but it slowly goes away and only the missing feelings stay. I hope you and your family can find the comfort you need now and I hope you understand that what happened to your dad was a fatality and have no fear on living your life. God bless you.

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  5. It was really hard for me to read this without wanting to cry, because I could truly sense your pain through your words. I am very close to my father as well, and your words and photos truly connected with me.

    I am truly and sincerely sorry for your loss. Your father was evidently an extremely wonderful person. My prayers and condolences go out to your family.

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  6. I am deeply sorry to hear about your Dad. My condolences goes out to you and your family. May he rest in peace. xx

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  7. This made me cry because i have the same fears of loosing my parents and dying period. Thank you for showing me im not the only one. Im sorry for your loss & pray that God gives you strength during this time. May he rest in peace

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  8. I am so saddened to read this. I feel for you so much. Massive hugs. My thoughts are with you and your family. xxx

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  9. Oh my goodness Natty - I'm so sad for you and your family. I know what you mean about their never being enough time...I love my parents so deeply - and I always treat them in a way that I won't regret (never treat them with impatience or disprespect). Thank you for sharing all your thoughts and important lessons - it's a good reminder that it's the people and experiences that are important in life - material things are fun and a good distraction - but we should never lose sight of the important things in life.

    Big hugs to you!

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  10. I am so sorry about your father. May he rest in peace. He is definitely watching over you and very proud of you. Stay strong <3

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  11. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

    Stay strong <3

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  12. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts. It's hard to lose anyone, but especially a parent. Your post is a wonderful tribute to your father. It shows what a good job he did of raising his kids and what a wonderful you lady you grew up to be. Take care.

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  13. Natty I agree with you that you can feel signs from the ones you truly love. I was much closer to my grandfather than my father (I didn't know him very well) and even when he passed away at 81 years old, I was devastated. He was the rock of our family too. I know it hurts so bad, but I know you are strong! May he R.I.P.

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  14. This is so sad :(

    I'm so proud of you for staying strong.

    RIP xxx

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  15. Seriously my heart broke to read this. My prayers go out to you and your family. And I feel for you so much. My two best friends both lost their dads this year. One was from a heart attack as well. I know there's very few things that anyone can say to make you feel better, but just know that you're definitely not going through this by yourself. Even though it's a trying time, you're not alone. There's tons of people who love you and your family and are praying for them. It's impossible to be prepared for since it happens in an instant. My other friend lost her father in a car accident. He was in perfect health and it was completely unexpected. We're all only human after all. And if you're a believer it helps to know that your dad's in heaven watching over you, proud of you and loving you. :)

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  16. Miss Natty, your post brought tears to my eyes. We girls will always have a special bond with our dads.

    I can't ever know what you felt like when you lost your father, but I can offer you support. And I think you are doing amazingly well for having just lost a loved one.

    Thank you for sharing your personal story. It's our personal experiences that make our blogs so interesting.

    www.geekettegazette.com
    www.thegirlieblog.com

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  17. Natty this is the most beautiful post I've ever read.
    I'm terribly sorry for you and your families loss... I can't even imagine not having my Dad around.
    I've bookmarked this page to read your beautiful words and motivate me to be a better person in the future and appreciate everything I have.
    You're so strong for sharing this... Its remarkable how amazing you are!
    I wish you happiness, positive days and to keep your head up high and remain the beautiful girl you are (Both on the outside and the inside). Stay strong lovely!
    Love and Hugs from South Africa!

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  18. Natty this post was amazing and I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother a few years ago and she was the heart & soul of our entire family. I wish the best for you and your family during such a difficult time. Your strength is admirable!
    RIP <3

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  19. Sorry for your lost. Just know that he is always watching over you! My prayers go out to you and your family

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  20. I've told you this before but im very very sorry about ur lose. I'm glad you finally blogged and got your feelings out there. May your dad rest in peace.

    http://www.hottheels.blogspot.com/

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  21. I'm so proud of you for writing this and staying strong! You did a great job commemorating your dad and your words are truly inspiring. Your father would be very proud of you. :) Glad to have you back! And again, I am so sorry for your father's passing. Those pictures of you and your brother brought tears to my eyes. May your father RIP.
    <3,
    Cheryl

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  22. Condolences to you and your whole family. Take care!

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  23. you have me in tears as i read this! i'm really sorry for you loss and i hope you can find the strength to get through this. Thank you for your kind words bc i just had a fight with my mother and you're so right it's not worth holding grudges. May your Dad rest in peace.

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  24. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Reading this really touched me. I feel that they best thing to do is to remain positive. I know that the those who have passed on would not want us to be sad and depressed. Take care~

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  25. Natalie, I am SO sorry. I had no idea this happened. RIP<3

    You optimism and spirit is so beautiful. For someone so young, you are so mature and wise. You've grasped life lessons that some people never understand. You are an amazing person, love.

    I'll be praying for you and your family. Hopefully I'll remember to mention it at church so a whole bunch of people can pray for you all also. You are loved! <3

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  26. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. definitely missed you natty

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  27. I feel exactly the same way about my Dad - he is everything to me and I have the same phobia. Thank you for reminding me that I need to remain fortunate for him every single minute of every day.

    My heart goes out to you and your family. All the best for the future, I'm sure you'll make your Dad proud.

    xxx Kat

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  28. Cherisse (BeautyCJANINE)November 5, 2011 at 3:48 PM

    Words can not even begin to describe how much this brought me to tears. you are so thoughful and strong. and your father will always be here with you.
    RIP.

    xo
    <3

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  29. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and positive Natty- its what your Dad would've wanted. May he rest in peace ♥

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  30. i am very very sorry for your loss.

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  31. Natalie, I'm so sorry for your and your family's loss. Your dad sounds like he was truly an amazing person. I'll be thinking of you and your family <3

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  32. What a beautiful way to commemorate the memory of your dad. Reading this post brought tears to my eyes and I'm so sorry for your loss. May your dad rest in peace and may you and your family find comfort during this difficult time. <3

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  33. i am so sorry for what you are going through. i cant even imagine how you are feeling and how you are coping. it sounds like you have the right idea on how to deal with the pain (surround yourself with loved ones, keeping yourself busy) and i am glad to hear it. one of my close friend;s father also passed away, so this news really hits home for me. please take care of yourself and dont even think about coming back to blogging if it becomes too much for you. take your time, do what you enjoy and feel comfortable with. <3

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  34. I'm very sorry for your loss.

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  35. So sorry for your loss, your dad will always be watching over you and im sure you make him very proud x

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  36. I can definitely relate to those thoughts about losing a parent. I often think about it, as well. I am very close to my dad, so I sympathize for you. Stay strong, beautiful.

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  37. I am so terribly sorry for your great loss Natty. Your post is incredible and a testament to your father.

    I too have lost my dad, nearly 20 years ago when I was in my early teens. In fact his birthday is (would have been) tomorrow - Nov 6th. Then in May this year, we lost our beloved stepdad, which was also a heart attack. I still remember that day, that moment everything changed forever, the going to pieces, the days and weeks afterwards spent in shock and horror. Sometimes when I think of it I still shake my head as though I can't believe it has really happened.

    One of the most comforting things for us has been thinking about all the wonderful things so many people said about my stepdad after he died. He was so loved by so many. I believe that is the mark of a successful life. It's not the number of years you are here but what you do with what life you are granted. Your touching and insightful post shows just what a wonderful person you are, and your dad must be so proud, as you are a product of him and what he taught you. How happy he must have been to know he had a daughter like you, and a close and loving family who adored him. That is a truly valuable and rewarding life! I take comfort from something similar, as although we are sad he is gone, we can't be sad about the fact his life was a great success.

    I also totally believe he is still here. We see signs everywhere - it's amazing! They appear just at the right time, to let you know that the person is still around :)

    I wish you and your family all the best. Time does heal, it really does. Keep going and just take each day as it comes. My heart goes out to you xx

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  38. I cried while reading this, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to your family. xx Therese

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  39. Oh Natalie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I couldn't even read the full post because of tears in my eyes. May God rest his soul.
    xo

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  40. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family! Try to stay strong!

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  41. So sorry for your loss, its also my worst fear and i think about it most days. Your very strong, may he rest in peace. X

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  42. My sweet girl there are no words for this!I too have lost my dad in the age of 23,now i am 25!The only thing i can tell you is that TIME IS THE BEST DOCTOR!Kisses girl!

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  43. I NOW WHAT U FEEL AHD I'M SO SORRY...

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  44. I am so sorry, very beautiful post! you dad would be praud!

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  45. I am so, so sorry for your family's loss. You are all in my prayers. You are a very smart girl and your father will always be proud of you. You now have a new guardian angel :)

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  46. i am sorry for your loss. may he rest in peace :( be brave Natalie...and thanks for your inspiring post, for making me realise i need to be grateful for what i have, and spend more time with my own father.you're amazing and i hope you continue to be strong. my thoughts are with you and your family.xxx

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  47. "Let us hurry"

    Let us hurry to love people they depart so quickly
    Leaving only their shoes and silence on the phone
    Only what is unimportant tends to drag like a cow
    The most important is so fast that happens in split-second
    Silence that follows - normal and unbearable
    Is like a clarity born straight from despair
    When we think about someone who is no longer with us

    Please do not be so certain that there is still time left
    For certainty happens to be most uncertain
    It takes away our sensitivity along with happiness
    And comes concurrently like pathos and humour
    Just like two different passions yet not as strong as one
    Tend to die down so quickly, like thrush song in July
    Like a sound somewhat clumsy or a vacuous bow
    They have to close their eyes in order to truly see
    And even though to be born is a greater risk than to die
    We love still to little and always to late

    Do not write about it too often but write once and for all
    And you will become like a dolphin both gentle and strong

    Let us hurry to love people, they depart so quickly
    And those who are not, will not always return
    And you never know while speaking of love
    Is the first one last, or the last one first.


    Poem by ks. Jan Twardowski

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  48. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what your going through. I have lost a few loved ones and it never gets easier. I fear the loss of my mom. I don't have my dad around so even thinking about that breaks my heart. Your post is beautifully written and may your dad rest in piece. My thoughts are with you.

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  49. You are such a lovely person! I'm really sorry and it must be a tough time!!
    Ne strong and remember that you have all the rest of your family for support. My dad is my rock too and I couldn't imagine how I would feel without him. I would be desperate!
    Read this message as a huge hug and a pat in the back. That's all you need. Cry as much as you can and let it all go. Do not hold back your feelings. Time will heal the absence just a tiny bit...there will always be an empty bit now but you need to live with it.
    XXXXX

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  50. Oh, babe. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your father. No words can make up for that. Keep your head up. Im sure he's so proud of you right now. Smile always xxx

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  51. Nat, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Just reading this post brought tears to my eyes, and writing this shows your strength.

    This post brought words that I don't like to think about, but everything you said was right.

    Thank you for taking the time to share this with us Nat, I understand that you're going through a tough time and stay strong. <3

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  52. I send my condolences to you and your family. I hope that in time this will be easier to grasp and that whenever you think about your father, you'll be happy to know that he is always with you and that he will always be proud of you.

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  53. I am so sorry for your loss Natty. You are such a beautiful individual. Thank you for taking the time to share with all of us (even though you didn't have to) what you are going through. You are an incredible strong and smart girl and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

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  54. Reading this post made me cry, I'm so terribly sorry for you. That's more than enough of a reason to not post anything, I mean, that's really one of the scariest things in life. Losing anyone close is. My heart goes out to you, girl, try to stay strong. And all the strenght to your family too, you'll make it through. Hugs and even more hugs!

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  55. I was so excited to see a new post from you until I started reading. I had no idea what you were going through. I'm so sorry for your loss but this was a beautiful post in his memory. Take all the time you need to grieve. <3

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  56. I read your blog often, but don't ever comment. I know it may seem odd receiving consoling words from strangers but I do want to say I am truly sorry for you loss. I can not imagine the heartbreak. I pray for comfort, strength and healing for you and your family. Like you said he will always be with you. May he rest in peace and may your family and those dear to him stay strong.

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  57. Natty, You are such a strong woman to have the strengh to share this with us...This is a beautiful homage to your Daddy and he would be so proud...
    I had tears in my eyes reading you.
    I am so sorry this happened to you.
    You and your family are in my thoughts...
    Lot of love and Support,
    Chloé
    <3

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  58. I am sorry to hear about your father. I can only imagine what you are going through... Condolence to you and your family.

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  59. reading this makes me cry so much, i'm so so sorry for your loss. i can only sense how heartbroken you must be. i believe he is still around, caring and loving your family. please take your time. x

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  60. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. Your post brought me to tears. Much love and support.

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  61. As I sit hear reading this holding back the tears I can't help but feel some type of comfort sitting next to my beautiful 8 year old that also lost his Dad and my best friend a few years ago . I rarely express my sorrow because it so hard for people to relate! I cannot relate to you or my son but as you probably know you are so blessed to have spent all these years getting to know your Dad ....and as for my son he ask's more and more questions everyday.Remember and embrace every moment and live your life to the fullest xoxo! and maybe one day I can listen to the song not strong enough yet..but maybe your blog will help!

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  62. I am really sorry about your loss. My deepest respects go out to you and your family. Stay strong, Hun.

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  63. I've never posted on your blog before but this heart wrenching post of yours just called out to my spirit. I read your blog daily and was disappointed that recently there wasn't anything new and I wondered what was happening in your world...then I read your latest post...and my heart crumpled. You are such a beautiful individual and to hear that you had such tragedy touch you broke my heart. I commend you for reaching out and sharing with us for I know how hard it must be. I can't imagine losing my father but I have lost other members of my family and the loss is most definitely life changing and devastating. My prayers are with you tonight girl. I totally feel your pain with the words you have typed and I pray that God gives you strength, courage and insight as you continue your days through this dark valley...This verse has always brought me comfort and I hope u don't mind me sharing it with you... "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not into thine own understanding and in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths" When i couldn't understand what was going on in the world around me I would think of this verse and realize that we don't know what is ahead but God always has us in His hands...I know your dad is smiling down on you now, watching you and still loving you from afar...live on in his memory and realize that you are NEVER alone sweet girl...we love you and are here for you... xoxo

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  64. I am so so sorry for you loss. I cried throughout this whole post. I know what you mean about fearing of losing your parents, I feel like I think about it more than just the average person b/c I too think about it everyday and several times a day. Just reading this post I can feel the strength inside you. As painful as it must be your strength makes others (or at least myself) feel like You can go through something so horrible and get through it by surrounding your self w/ loved ones. As you said, that person may be gone physically, but they will always be with you spiritually. Your father was a very lucky person to have such a loving daughter. My relationship w/ my father isn't that strong and your post makes me want to connect w/ him more. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You and your family are in my thoughts.

    Xo

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  65. I am so sorry for your loss! I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive, healing energy your way! This was a beautiful post and you are a beautiful person inside and out :)

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  66. Sweetheart I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  67. I loss my dad at 15 and I'm grown now. I wish I could tell you that the pain will heal. Truth is.....it only gets easier to deal with time. But it will ALWAYS be there. Try to see the beauty in having him in your life for as long as you did. My heart goes out to you and your family. May God give you strength during this time. You are in my prayers.

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  68. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I completely broke down reading this post and I hope you and your family remain strong.

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  69. He will always be with you, in your heart and in spirit looking out for you. My deepest sympathies for your family's loss

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  70. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family

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  71. I'm sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your family. Stay strong.

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  72. <3 R.I.P <3
    you are so strong, this post is beautiful.

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  73. I'm so sorry about what happened to your dad. My uncle passed away couple weeks ago and it was a hard pill to swallow, but a lesson learned the hard way to love and cherish those around us.
    Keep being strong!
    xoxo

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  74. I'm so sorry for you loss. I wish you all the best for the difficult times you are going through

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  75. im so sorry for ur loss.. i know ur pain is so hard to deal with just dont forget that he is watching right over u and looking out for u and ur family.. stay strong.. sorry for the english im spanish.

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  76. I am so very sorry for your loss =( You and your family are in my thoughts.

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  77. my thoughts are with you gorgeous, he will keep you strong :) xxx

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  78. Stay strong even though the pain you're going through is unimaginable and breaking. Bless your family I'm sorry for your loss.

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  79. I'm so sorry for your loss :(

    Stay strong!

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  80. I am so sorry to hear about the loss. :-(
    May God bless you and your family with strength to over come the irreparable loss.

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  81. I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with your family.

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  82. My heart aches for you. Im so very sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your familly. -ashley

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  83. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Stay strong Natty. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family *hugs*

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  84. I read every single word of this post and my heart goes out to you and your family. I am happy to hear that behind the sadness there is a great strength within you. And I am most grateful for your list of things that those of us that have not experienced a loss, can learn from. Thank you for that.

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  85. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was only 11, many years ago, and suddenly, unexpectedly just like you. I know how you feel. Just know that the pain will get more manageable and different. Stay strong and always keep your special bond with him in your prayers and thoughts. My heart goes out to you and your family and my prayers are with you.

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  86. Heartfelt prayers go out to you and your family. I am truly sorry for your loss. I have been checking your page for updates and wondering what has happened...never would I have imagined this being the reason. I am your age and have a very unhealthy, diabetic father. Your post has truly inspired me to really value the relationships in my life and to never put off seeing a loved one. Words can't describe the way your post has touched my heart. You are a lovely soul, Natty.

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  87. Dear Natalie:
    As I type tears fill my eyes as I see myself 23 years ago when I lost my Dad. I was 24 yrs old and I had lost my mom 10 years earlier when I was 14. There is no way to describe the loss of your parents. I will say i feel them with me every day and more so my Dad cuz I had him longer. You are such a strong wonderful woman and I wish i could hug you and say be strong. It is so true life is so short so my motto is do what you enjoy. May you and your family find peace in your hearts and hold on to the memories. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Maria

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  88. I am touched by your post and I'm glad that writing it was cathartic for you. You hit the nail on the head with your 15 lessons. I wish more people would take those to heart as your words are so full of wisdom and truth. You have reminded me just how precious and short life is. Thank you. I am so sorry for your loss. All the best to you and your family. Stay strong, Natalie.

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  89. I wouldn't even know what I would do as I took my grandfather's death recently very hard but know that you have a community of followers who are here when you need to vent, cry and share. It is good to release those feelings. The only thing of comfort I can offer is that know that our bodies pass but are souls stay to care for those we love the most. Your father is in everything you say and do and I am sure he is so proud.

    Yanira

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  90. Stay strong sweetheart! My thoughts are with you xo

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  91. Natalie,
    I always check your blog feed and when I noticed you hadn't posted anything, I couldn't even imagine something horrible had happened. I'm so sorry for the lose of a parent. I can't even imagine how hard it is to lose a father because I don't have one but the way you describe yours, thats how I would have hoped mine to be. May god continue to bless you with his presence in spirit and that he will always be with you. Remember, its okay to cry. Crying heals the heart. Praying for you and your family for comfort and healing.

    xoxo TamaraB

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  92. I could not imagine the pain you must feel. I am lost for words but I am praying for your family and friends. Sorry for the lost. :(

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  93. Im so sorry for your lost :(

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  94. I'm very sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family. Stay strong.

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  95. I am so sorry for your loss Natalie. From how you describe him your father seemed like a great man. I literally balled my eyes out reading this and that song just killed me entirely. I haven't always had a good relationship with my dad, but recently we have been able to reconnect and have that father/daughter relationship that I so desperately wanted growing up. My biggest fear is not being able to spend enough time with him as well but this blog post really showed me that I just need to appreciate the time that I have with him now. I can only imagine how you feel and want to thank you for sharing this news with us. You are a beautiful woman and I'm sure your dad was nothing but proud of you. You and your family are in my prayers.

    XOXO Alyssa

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  96. Thank you so much for sharing with your e-family. Your post brought me to tears. I pray for peace for your family.

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  97. I couldn't hold back my tears while reading this, gave me goose bumps, honestly. I truly feel your pain and my heart and prayers go out to you and your whole family.

    I lost my grandmother a few months ago and it was the most heart crushing feeling.. no words could ever describe how helpless you feel knowing you cant take back those few moments of time to just tell them again that you love them. Now, I never had a father only a mother and grandmother (two moms) I never had the chance to bond or even get to know my father so hearing this touched me more then you could ever believe. By what you have said he seemed like a GREAT father! Not to many of those out there.. God bless him

    Now I know you have a lot of messages from people so I don't want to make this to long..

    I think your positive attitude about this even though your hurting deep down is the strongest thing i have ever seen. I couldn't do what your doing right now!

    My condolences Natty, I know he's watching over you <3

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  98. I am so so sorry for your loss, I still have both my parents which I love so much and tell them that everyday.

    But I too have just lost someone, my best friend. He was only 20 years old and died in a tragic accident.

    I can't face the truth, it doesn't feel real. Life can be so cruel.

    But my thoughts are with you. x

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  99. I am so sorry for your loss, Natalie. Your family and you will be in my prayers.

    God bless,
    Nicole

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  100. Natty, you're such a strong person. I understand how you feel since I've been there too. Thank you for sharing some of your insights about life with us. I can't believe you can encourage people with such positivity,even at this time. But your words are so true. I had the greatest emptiness when my dad left us suddenly in an accident. But throughout these year, I still sense that he's here!May God bless you and your family.

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  101. I'm so sorry hun, it post brought tears to my eyes. It must hurts so much but I know you are strong and you will overcome the pain. I loved your list of things you realized, I will try to apply them to my life from now on. Hang on and be strong! x

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  102. I am so sorry for your loss. There aren't enough words that could take your pain away but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family<3

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  103. This brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family shall be in my prayers tonight.

    Farah

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  104. I am weeping huge tears right now! This is a subject that is sooo scary to think about, much less go through! My thoughts and prayers are with you honey! You are very brave for writing about it and I am sure that you will see that writing about it is very therapeutic for you! Gorgeous photos and the ones of you and your brother are very moving! <3 Keep your chin up and look forward! The best part of your life has yet to come! That is a fact! RIP dad!

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  105. Natty,
    I've been following your blog for such a long time now, so first of all I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do on here, you put such an effort into helping people, which I find very admirable. I love your blog!
    Next, I want to say I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine going through what you're going through, it's always been my worst fear too and my heart goes out to you that you're having to deal with this. Obviously I don't know you, but I'm sure your dad was a great guy considering how sweet and selfless you turned out. I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

    Dakota

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  106. I am sooo sorry for your loss. You honored your father beautifully with this post. :) I hope things get better for you.

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  107. I couldn't help but cry reading your post. It is also one of my biggest fears to lose my parents. I too realize that they're getting older and it scares me to think that they can be gone at any moment. So reading what you and your family went through touches me more than I could ever say. I am so sorry that you're hurting and that he is no longer here. But although he may not be here physically he will always be in your heart. Always remember that. Stay strong and thank you for sharing such beautiful and inspiring words! <3 Vanessa

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  108. Oh Natty, your post is so beautiful and so heartbreaking at the same time... my heart goes out to you...

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  109. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart aches for you. My dad had a serious heart attack in front of me when I was 15, we were home alone. My dad was fortunate to have a second chance . His heart attack too, could have been prevented by routine check ups. it is moments like this in life that bring us closer to what is true and what really matters. Your father I is no longer here physically but he will never be far from your heart. I am sure he is so proud to have such an amazing family. Thank you for sharing this with us

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  110. Natty,

    I've been following your blog for awhile now, but this is my first time ever commenting...

    your post hit a soft spot in my heart. I lost my dad almost three years ago suddenly to cancer, he was only 48. Being 20 years old without my father was something I'd never imagined. It gave me a whole new perspective on life, never take anyone or anything for granted, because as you mentioned life is WAY too short. Even three years later I still have days where I break down and cry, or I'll have a dream about him and wake up so mad because it wasn't real. I cannot express to you how sorry I am for your loss. Thank you for sharing this post, just know you always have an angel watching over you <3 my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  111. Dearest Natty, im so sorry for your great loss. This made me cry and touched my heart like no other. Be strong, everythings going to be ok. My heard and prayers go out to you and your family. God bless you guys <3

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  112. From a longtime reader...
    I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose your father. It is also my greatest fear to lose my parents. I cried the whole time reading this, and my heart goes out to you. I wish you and your family the very best, and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

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  113. I am so sorry for your loss. This post made me cry, not just because it was beautifully written, but because my biggest fear is losing my parent as well. I think about it every day, to the point to where I have anxiety attacks. Not sure what to do about it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, losing a loved one is the hardest thing we endure during our time here.

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  114. I feel so sorry four your loss. Your post almost made my cry.

    But it is wonderful to see and to feel what a great person your dad has been! The wonderful times you all shared with him will be captured in your hearts. And they made you the person that you've become!

    I wish you all the best. Also for your family!

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  115. This really hits home.

    I've lost my mother and like you explain, my mother was to me what your dad was to you. The years up to her death i was even scared of the thought of losing her so much i even felt like i cause the whole thing.
    It gets hard but i also think this is the purest form of love and i can only hope ive touched a soul the way they did when i pass.

    Bless you. Your dad wants to see you happy at all times!

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  116. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Natty. I know from reading your posts for the past year you are a strong, determined and beautiful young woman- Keep the positive vibes around you, and your head up. All my love to you & your family.

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  117. So sorry to hear about your father. I too lost my dad very suddenly at a young age (21). My thoughts are with you.

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  118. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are definitely in my prayers. You really touched my heart today.

    IvonneStacy.

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  119. I am so sorry for your loss! Reading this post was very heart-warming.

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  120. This is such a beautiful post, Natty. I am truly sorry for your family's loss. I think you have made everyone who reads this reflect on the circumstances of their own lives and the loved ones in them. I used to have a close relationship with my father when I was younger, but some life happenings have estranged us. I'm only 23 now and although I know our relationship will never be what it once was, you have reminded me to be thankful to have him here still. Your statement about not holding grudges is so true.

    Best wishes to you and your family, Natty
    <3

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  121. This made me cry at work. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  122. I am so very very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is very tough, but I am sure you have lots of friends and family to get through this.

    Stay strong <3

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  123. this post is beautiful. Im so sorry for your loss, I cant even imagine how hard it is.
    Your list is really great and something we can all strive for everyday. Thank you! You are in my prayers.

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  124. Hi, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry. I've always admired your beauty and how gracious you seem to others. I do believe you have a guardian angel now and your Dad will always be there for you in spirit. You are so lucky to have had such a great Dad, in my family there's a trend of not so great one's and alot of problems and hurt from it being that way. Reading this post makes me admire you even more because your words show so much pain yet they show how strong you are at the same time. I hope you, your brother, and mother become closer then ever now and you can heal together. xoxo

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  125. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

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  126. I am so very sorry for you loss, I can't imagine the pain but you are very strong. Your post is beautiful and inspiring. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. I know he is shining down on you and your family everyday.

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  127. I'm so sorry for your loss ..I hope you find a little bit of relief , somehow ..Keep your strenght !

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  128. im sorry for you loss. i hope your family remains strong in this difficult time. Your father is in a better place. God bless your family.

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  129. I only just read this now, and Natalie I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your father and so unexpectedly too. Cherish the wonderful memories you have had with your father and know that you were loved so very deeply. I only wish I can remember my father, but he died when I was a very small child. I agree with your list on life and that can be something that everyone should live by when they think they're having a bad day. Take care.

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  130. This is the first time I write here, although I follow your blog for some time. I'm from Brazil, just see how far your words can go and, from here, my thoughts are with you and your family right now. I hope you keep strong! big hug

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  131. Dear Natty,
    I have been reading your blog for a while now and this is the first time I am posting. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know you, but my heart dropped when I read the title of this post. I know words cannot help you bring your dad back, but I wish you peace and prayers at this difficult time in your life. You are a beautiful person and your dad is looking down on you :(
    Be strong!

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  132. Natalie, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I cannot imagine what your feeling- my prayers will be with you and your family, its good your keeping strong. Remember the wonderful memories, and know that he will always be with you. I cried so much throughout reading your post, I've been reading your blog for so long, that I almost consider you like a friend. Well wishes to you and your family xoxo

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  133. I'm so sorry for your loss... As you said, and I agree WHOLE HEARTEDLY; it is only the body that dies... the spirit doesn't. He will always watch over you and guide you.
    Blessings to you and yours +

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  134. dear natalie, your beautiful post made me cry. may you have memories for comfort, family and friends for support and may you take comfort in knowing there is one more angel above us♥

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  135. I stumbled across this blog, I don't really know you, except from this blog, but I would like to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I also think it's brave of you to keep on iving and staying positive :)

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  136. I am so so sorry for your loss beautiful, and I too share the same fears that you, and many of us share about losing a parent. I wish you all the best darling xxx

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  137. Dear Natalie, I'm so sorry about your father.
    You are an amazingly strong person!
    I also lost someone this year, my grandfather, who meant so much to me and it was so hard for me to deal with.
    But i also learned many of the things youve listed from his passing.
    And it is very comforting to know that he is always with me and in heaven watching over me now, as i hope it is for you with your father.
    My prayers are with you and your family!

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  138. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  139. I don't know what to say. I know what it's like to lose a close family member, but not a parent. I can only imagine. My heart goes out to you, your brother, and your mother. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

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  140. This is one of the most touching posts I've ever read. I can't imagine losing my parents. It scares me also. I don't think I could go on without them. It was bad enough losing my last grandparent at the beginning of this year...I can't imagine how painful this must be, but keeping your head up and knowing your Father is still there must surely help...God Bless you and your family and RIP to your father.

    Shasie of Live Life in Style

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  141. I just found your blog a few months ago.. I'm one of those people too, I worry constantly. Especially when it comes to my parents..I can't imagine the pain you're in and I admire the strength you've put forth. I'm sorry for your loss, keep your head up, you've got an angel watching over you now. Take care.

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  142. This is the first time I visited your blog. I too am scared of losing my parents. I know that you are thankful that you had a great man for a daddy. Me, I can only hope to be as strong as you if the inevitable happens. I lost my grandpap (Pap) three years ago and can't imagine losing either parent. I think I would lose my mind. Keep doing what you are doing; your faith and positive attitude will get you through as your angel watches over you. I'm glad that I found your blog even though I am sad for you. Do try and take the best care of yourself. With sincere and heartfelt thoughts, Renee

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  143. It's odd because I often read your blog and had noticed that you hadnt posted anything recently and I was hoping that you were alright. I'm so sorry to hear about ur loss. I'm over here tearing up because I too am very close with my Dad and as I watch him get older I am afraid of the inevitable. Keep your faith and lean on your family. May God bless you all during this tough time....

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  144. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was hard to read and I can't even imagine what you're going through. You're an inspiration to so many people and I admire your strength.

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  145. I just read your story and I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  146. i came by today to see if you had come back on to blog and i saw this post. just want to extend my condolences to you all the way from NJ. the same way you feel about your dad i feel about my own. stay strong and know that it's okay if some days you're not <3

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  147. I am sorry for your loss. My thoughts are you with you and your family. Please take care yourself during this emotionally difficult time.

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  148. Natty I've been following your blog for a very long time. This post brought me to tears. I am deeply sorry for your loss and you are right in that you just cannot prepare for it. My thoughts are with you and your family. Stay strong <3

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  149. So sorry for your loss Natty!
    May your father rest in peace
    xxx Elle

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  150. I've been following your blog for so long but never commented before. When I read this, it literally brought me to tears. I hope that your memory fades of that awful day and that the good memories of your father grow brighter. Your family is in my prayers xoxo Alva

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  151. Natty, this moved me beyond words it made me cry and deeply touched my heart. Your post was so beautiful, reading it made my eyes fill with tears because I could feel your pain through your words. Its honestly one of the most inspirational things I have ever read. I too have been following your blog for years and this is the first time I have commented. Im so so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. Just know your not alone, we are all thinking of you. xxx

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  152. Hunnie.. I am so sorry to hear this.. honestly heartbreaking! Just know that he is smiling down on you! Continue to make him proud which I am sure you are already doing.. Big Hug baby girl xxx

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  153. may your dads soul rest in peace...may god be with you come what may... life's journey is beyond birth and death , i emaphathize with u

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  154. I am so sorry for your loss. Your post had me balling my eyes out. Like you, I see my father getting older and it kills me inside to see it. Remember that he truly is always with you, and you are a strong woman for going through this. Keep your head up xoxo

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  155. My sincerest heart goes to you Ms. Nat.
    I've not been around much myself due to very similar circumstances.
    On labor day I lost one so dear that helped raise me & have had issues getting right ever since.
    Thank you for being so kind, loving & brave to share yourself in what I can only know to be a raw & exposed state.
    I understand the bond, fear & signs that you speak of all too well & can relate...especially on the last part.
    No doubt your dad is proud of the insightful & graceful woman he came to know that will always be his little girl.
    You'll honor his presence in your life daily by being true to your core & letting that truth radiate out to others.

    Be Blessed & May God Meet You & Your Family Where You Are....
    Hugs,
    E.

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  156. Natalie,

    I often come to your blog to check out your honest reviews. I am so sorry to read this heartbreaking entry. My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family.

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  157. Hi Natalie, I have just recently started following your blog. I read this today have to say you are very brave and honest! To share such a deep thing as a parent passing away and your emotions to the world is very hard. May God bless your family, may your dad rest in peace. My love to you and your family. Be strong sweetie! xx

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  158. I'm a new reader and I just wanted to comment on your post.

    As I read it, it totally resonated with me and I feel my relationship with my Father is very similar to your own. I can see my father ageing, quicker than my mother is. The death of my parents is absolutely petrifying to me and I have no idea how I will handle it when the time comes. Seeing the grace with which you handled the loss of your Father and the wisdom that you gained touched me deeply.

    I want to thank you for being so honest about your loss.

    My sincerest prayers go to you and your family. I know that losses like yours never get easier.

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  159. Natalie - a memory for you
    Long before you were born, and probably before your brother was born, I remember visiting your dad at his store. He gave me a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar, and I was probably the happiest child on earth at that moment. (I'm sure I begged my parents for months to go back because I wanted another!) Just a memory to let you know that even the smallest kindnesses can be remembered long after the fact.

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  160. What a beautiful and well-written post. Although I have not really dealt with death in the family so far, I have wondered how scary and sad it would be to lose a parent or someone I am close to. Thank you for giving advice on how to deal with it, and having faith that people who have passed away are still truly with us.

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  161. I bawled reading this. I feel for you because my biggest fear is losing one of my parents also. Im so sorry.

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  162. Thank you for writing this, it was very emotional to even read it. It was really like reading something I could have written myself. I'm at that point where I think about "it" daily because I too realize just how fast we're all aging, especially my parents (more so my father). And like your dad, my father has gone above and beyond with his family, the devoted son and husband, the tough as nails blue collar worker (never missed a day in so and so years) and a father figure to quite a few people. But yeah, I'll also feel lost without him when the time comes. Nobody will ever love a daughter like their father. Bless you, Natty.

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